Schrodinger’s Cat is a quantum mechanics experiment of placing a cat and poison into a closed box. You can’t confirm if the cat is alive or dead unless you open the box. So, in theory, the cat is in a state of quantum possibility — both alive and dead at the same time.
For the past few weeks, it wasn’t a theory — I was in that box — both having and not having breast cancer.
It started with some bleeding, weird, but every time I asked my Higher Self (Inner Wisdom, Holy Spirit, Intuition, you pick your favorite name for it) if it was serious or the c-word, it would reply, “No.” But it kept happening, so I kept asking till finally — a bit annoyed at my constant questioning — it replied, “No, but do you want it to be?” Which of course I said, “No!” and eventually it stopped.
Of course I ran through the symbology… left side, so spiritual focused; breast, so about nurturing. Was I giving too much of myself to others? Overly mothering others spiritually? Not nurturing myself enough? But my mother had duct cancer last year or so, so could it be hereditary? No, because I don’t believe or invest energy in that concept. Epigenetics then? Similar energy and thought patterns? How was I acting, thinking and believe like my mother? That’s a hard question to ask oneself.
Then, after a few weeks, a letter arrived and upon opening it let to an extremely surprising and stressful 15 minutes, I went to shower off the energy of the event and noticed the bleeding again. This time of a different quality. It scared me because it had come back and it had changed so drastically. I got a doctor appointment for the next morning and took a full sick day to process everything. Luckily, I was able to get referred and schedule a mammogram and ultrasound that same afternoon. After some worrisome thoughts and actions (like preparing the next months’ worth of lessons for my son in case I was unavailable to home school him) I caught myself and decided this experience was a gift and not a curse or problem. Instead of thinking what I might miss out on, I consciously made lists of the gifts, what I would receive (and give to others) from this experience. I focused on what I’d gain and stopped focusing on what I’d be giving up. I thought of the new doctors I’d have. The gift of my first mammogram. The renewed focus on my health and body. The reduced focus on a stressful job, refocusing on me and my family. The gift of daily Reiki for myself. The gift of the experience of healing myself. The gift of knowing my true power. The gift of sharing my story, whatever it was, to inspire others.
Nothing abnormal was found on the mammogram or ultrasound (big sigh of relief as Mom’s was found on routine mammogram). Yet, due to the bleeding, they recommended a surgeon consult and MRI. I called and scheduled the appointment for the following Monday, a day I was already planning to take off for winter solstice. (Yep, totally embracing my woo side intending to meditate with millions, participate in solstice rituals all around the earth, especially with the Grand Conjunction!) I was both relieved and curious. Good news — nothing found! And yet, bad news — nothing was found. I drove home, admiring the light and shadow dance of sunlight through rain clouds. I came out of my reverie of, “What next? What can I do? what should I not do? What if…” to see the sign for my off ramp, and my entire body hummed with energy. Above the road sign was a vertical rainbow! I did a double take and blinked trying to figure out if I was seeing an aura or vision. the rainbow was bigger than the green road sign and not bowed, but went straight up into the sky. It was the biggest, most beautiful rainbow I had ever seen. It felt like a sign — plus road signs have been known to be signs to be before. It’s all going to be wonderful!
That’s when I began to think on Schrodinger’s Cat, quantum states of electrons as well as the idea of observed and observer. I never believed I had cancer, but it hadn’t been confirmed either way. So, I began to think what if its like an electron? What if my focus (my worrying and projection of what life would be like with cancer) actually solidified or reduced possibilities into actually creating that life? So, the opposite must be true as well, right?
I felt that the rainbow was a reward, the Universe’s high-five for my adjusted thoughts and belief process through the experience. The amazing part — if I hadn’t spent an hour talking in my car with a friend after the mammogram, I wouldn’t have seen it. I tried to go back a few minutes later to try to take a picture, and it was gone, though I did discover it to be part of a double rainbow.
The MRI which was scheduled for Monday (on my day off for winter solstice and Grand Conjunction) was delayed due to health care authorization. So, instead it occurred on Tuesday afternoon, coinciding with the Super Cold Full Moon. (Because, obviously someone was trying to tell me something with all these magikally timed celestial events!)
The MRI was an interesting experience. I’d seen it on TV and heard stories of people “hating it” but I’d heard people complain about mammograms and that wasn’t as terrible as I felt they made it, so could this be the same? Also, a close friend (and one of my favorite crystal dealers) reminded me that magnets are healing. So, I went into the experience thinking it would be like a great Reiki healing session, surrounded by massive magnets. I went in with little understanding of the steps or what would happen and focused on how I perceived it to be. In the room was a loud, deep thumping sound, gentle yet strong, like a heart beat or pow wow drums. I focused on it as I closed my eyes and surrendered to whatever was about to happen. Trying not to deep breath (as I had trained myself during meditative states) so that I would remain still for the images felt awkward. I was giving myself Reiki, the panic button in one hand and IV tubes in the other. As I focused on the drum beat, I had vision of my ancestors and decedents gathered around me, and as the machine began to move, they began to throat chant. The sounds got so low and loud that I felt the deep vibrations through my entire body, as if Earth Mother was joining in the healing dance. At another time, I felt slight waves, like lapping lake, or maybe even magnetic waves. Another moment felt as if this was my cocoon, snug and transformative. Reacting quickly, I passed through that visualization as it reminded me of how enclosed I was. Instead, I envisioned myself in the ever present Now, surrounded by the Universe and space, expansively everything and noticeably nothing at all the same time, the center point of Infinity. I felt angel wings surround me, hugging me, protecting me, the tube not confining me but embracing me. It was so therapeutic and magikal that it felt exactly like one of Hannah d’Or’s Chakra Balancing sessions with Reiki, crystals and light swords. After redoing one of the tests (because I had chuckled as my guides were chatting with me and blurred the pictures), I got off the platform in the same post-healing stupor that good Reiki sessions give you, you know, trying to remember how to reintegrate back into a body.
I walked out, breathing deep (thru a mask) into the golden hour before sunset happy to be alive and a bit hyper-in-the-moment like after a Reiki attunement. I felt the healthiest I’d been in months, maybe even a year or more. (It has been a rather unusual year.) I drove home and was blessed with another miraculous natural sight — the moon, pearlescent and huge, suspended about the mountains in a pink and purple sky. It took an hour to get home and I got to watch the moon the entire way. She boldly swam through the darkening sky, shinning in all her glory. The blushing pink purple faded into indigo and then ink black as the stars joined her. I was driving the whole time so I couldn’t snap a photo. It made me contemplate the experience of Now and how we always “capture” the moment to share with others instead of just living the movement for our selves. Each time she’d peak out from behind a building or trees, I’d say, “I see you.” Through this lunar game of hide-and-seek, I wondered what her light was showing me and the areas of my life that were ready to be seen and let go. When I eventually got home, I looked into the sky and final saw Orion again. It’s been months since I have. He always comforts me and brings me joy to see three stars of his belt aligned directly above my house.
It was a beautiful experience. As I couldn’t take a picture of these signs of nature, I painted them to commemorate and remember their special meaning to me. The dual water colors hang on my wall, reminding me of how magikal life can be, even — no, ESPECIALLY in our most trying moments.
Oh, and my Schrodinger’s Cat situation?
I’m perfectly health, bleeding stopped and MRI is clear. It makes me wonder if the whole experience was all so I could get a big magnet healing session.